The date that never arrived

I’m sharing something very personal and sensitive here, so please do be kind. More conversations need to be had about miscarriage and I want to share my story. We are so blessed to have our rainbow baby, our son James, but unfortunately we suffered the loss of our first baby when I had a missed miscarriage.

I’ve found that as hard as it is for me to find the right words, writing down my thoughts, experiences and feelings has really helped me and although I’m nervous about sharing something so personal, I really feel there needs to be more support and discussions around miscarriage.

That’s why, after two years, I’ve decided to share some posts on my blog about our loss, about missed miscarriage and about pregnancy after loss and the anxiety it can bring.

I really hope this helps others who have suffered the loss of a baby.

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The date that never arrived

For a long time I’ve struggled to write it down, to put it into words, to really let it all out. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever have the words, or at least ever be able to say them out loud.

Your loss is something I’ll never get over, something I’ll never come to terms with, something that will always seem unfair, something I’ll always wish didn’t happen.

You were our first baby, and oh how you were so wanted and loved from the moment we found out about you. In that short time that I carried you, we made plans for life with you, we wondered what you would look like, we wondered who you would be.

We couldn’t wait to meet you and hold you in our arms, but that date never arrived. Your due date, the day you should have been born, the day that should have been your birthday. The date we would have celebrated for years to come. The date that is now a reminder of what we lost, the day that never came.

It was replaced by a different date, an agonising and heartbreaking day, the date we went for our scan and were told you were gone, the date where every painful second is etched in my mind. Missed miscarriage.

I never wanted to believe it was true, I thought there and then I couldn’t face life without you. There were no signs, we thought everything would be fine.

I’ll always long to see you, I’ll always long to hold you. You’ll always be our baby. We’ll always be your mummy and daddy. There will always be a gap in our family where you should have been.

I’ll think about you daily for the rest of my days. All my love, mummy x